My neighbor has been dead for three days. If I didnt have my faith and the knowledge that I know that we will be together with him again someday, it would be so much harder for me. I just cant wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? I never knew such pain existedCan anyone recommend a book or a website that will direct me to help him? I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . You need to be with your family, to grieve. I, understand, the saying committed is upsetting. We dated for about 6 months, but he couldnt handle a stable relationship or stay committed to one girl (me). I no longer feel like anything matters anymore. We took her to her doctor. Be prepared that eventually you'll start feeling guilt and people around you will make you feel guilty (especially family) for being okay, or happy. Do we ever get over this sort of thing. Now I cant deal with the pain and the thoughts of her suicide. My dad had fallen back onto the bed. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. Your story sounds similar to mine.. except it was my brother who took his own life 10yrs ago now. This was her death. Custody of his daughter was returned to his ex-wife, and he would come home for a few days, rapidly decline in terms of paranoia ( would not eat anything I cooked, was insistent that we were going broke) and he refused to bathe. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. Time heals. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. ( Fathers Day) Putting a time on my fathers life is something that still clings to my mind. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. Oh man, I wish I knew what to say besides I'm so sorry and that's incredibly sad. My girlfriend took her life 12/30/18. Your brother was a different person to each of your family - a son, a brother, a wife, a father, and each person he leaves behind has different feelings right now, and they will deal with things differently, in their own way. I gave myself time and space, and did the grief work. He graduated that on May 6 th. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 5 years and we considered him our little a miracle. It has taken me 40 years to understand how her taking her life was out of the greatest love for us, not of weakness, nor did she quit on us. Truth is that it doesnt matter if I find the key; he will not be behind the door. He didnt call me. Her 16 year old friend, the one she was so excited to hang out with and had been talking to for the last couple of monthshad died. Called his ex-wife the night before he wanted to take his boys to school the next morning. I dont love you, I dont love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. Elizabeth Berger May 27, 2019 at 10:59 pm Reply. But I appreciate the article. My heart goes out to you. my dad was the last to see him . My heart goes out to each and every one of you and as others have suggested here: seek help. My only conclusion was that he was no longer himself when he did this. Id voiced my concerns to her and to her husband numerous times. They appeared to be happy. My 15 year old niece took her life a few weeks ago. I have no children around me to talk to, I was referring to other adults that I had/have to break the news to. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. The list goes on and on. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad im so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back. That she finally found a real man. I feel like a shell of a person just here. After losing a board game to his younger sister, he reached for the wooden block of knives on the counter and pulled one out. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. This caused a change in his claim. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, its no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. And it wasnt just his close friends. I didnt, I couldnt, I am sorry. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. The stigma and ignorance surrounding mental illness must be removed! I am heartbroken. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I also suggest you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/five-stages-of-grief/ Although the idea of working through five stages of grief and then reaching healing is desirable, it is rarely that straightforward. He showed me so many things growing up I dont have space to explain it all. This is consuming me. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. I had talked to him the night before. Although I could have done more towards the end, I must forgive myself, as I did the best I could with the knowledge at hand, at that time. Hold that friend close. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel like they have to lie or live in silence. For you, you just have to realise that it wasn't your fault. my brother 26 years hung himself on 5th may 2021. i left for an interview with my mother and left him alone for 2 hours max i came back home called him out was looking for him couldnt feel him in his room. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was 16 and I cant help but think that he had so much life to live. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. My nieces and nephews witour their Papa. My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. A couple of my sons friends had their mothers do that before they contacted me themselves. this 2nd doctor just followed their protocols and threw anxiety and depression meds at him. Our grief is almost identical. Tell him that it will get better, whatever problems you are having we can handle together. I just dont get it and I want to stop thinking about it. I dont know what I hope to achieve by writing this. So Ive carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. It seems incredibly unlikely that if this were a primary issue weighing on him that he would not have engaged and at least explored the options you presented him for getting out of the alimony. I rest my hope in Gods coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lords prayer. Dont go through this alone. He left no note. I will say that most people avoid asking about how I am coping, and many friends have dropped of the radar, almost to the point where it is never mentioned. My brother killed himself on a warm summer night in New York. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. I guess all the years of her parents breaking her down finally overwhelmed her & all the love & building up we did wasnt enough. I couldnt imagine having another relationship with anyone, I will never put myself out that way ever again. Its going to hurt like hell and nothing can take that away but time. IsabelleS October 31, 2020 at 1:15 pm Reply. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. Let yourself grieve take your time and dont let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. I was there for himfor 29 years I was there for him. Im really sorry Alfy. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. He is apart of me. Its so painful. It was the most horrific experience but I would rather it was me that found him than anyone else. I think about my sister in law and the pain she is in, I see both her and my brother as empty souls with complete darkness over them. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. Most people from his work blame me and so do most of his family. I devastated Alison, My father killed himself 39 years ago. This past March I woke up at 5 in the morning to find my wonderful wife of forty years dead in bed next to me. Ramona, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story/perspective. That she was hurting and saw this as solution and I try to keep that in mind but between the sadness I find I have a well of anger at her. We are still shell shocked. The obituary of course did not say how he died though so we were clueless. It sounds like youre describing disenfranchised grief, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/ and here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-examples-of-disenfranchised-grief/ Its normal to feel as though your grief is invalid due to the nature of your relationship with her, but please know: Your grief is legitimate. My young son took his life at 16. Because I was protecting his children we only had phone communication. Don, I am so sorry for all you are coping with. I have lost a friend, although a new friend that I really didnt know that well yet, to suicide. When Im ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, Ill begin to heal. Right now you are in shock. That was the headline to a news story on April 10 at News24.com . I know this much is true! Its really really hard everyday. , Mary Kral June 13, 2016 at 4:10 pm Reply. Even in death she still gave everything. We are human. You can just talk about him if you'd like. I think many of her family and friends knew, as well. Sabrena January 13, 2018 at 12:14 am Reply, Hello Sky? You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and what he did in a f****d up state doesnt mean you werent a good sister. He began using drugs hed never done before, using the excuse that it is the only thing that takes the pain away. God this hurts so badly. You will always be missed, I promise. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. If youre concerned, it never hurts to seek out a little support and psychoeducation from a therapist or counselor. I cannot imagine your pain with the loss of your son to suicide and your wife. I became concerned about 2pm when she hadnt returned. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. He left behind our only son, a 4 month old boy. I have been forced to reevaluate my relationship with my father, my mother, my siblings, and extended childhood family. I dont know. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Something inside me knew it wouldnt happen. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too. God bless & Love you L and know that I got this! (After piecing together that he was having withdrawals all weekend) Sunday came and my mom said around 12 pm he left the house. Today was the day my brother killed himself. Also for those wondering, from what I got out of him he never touched a kid and he did admit to seeing cp once. IsabelleS January 1, 2021 at 1:46 pm Reply. IsabelleS December 14, 2020 at 12:06 pm Reply. I lost my spouse 8 years ago . Her memorial in this Saturday and I fear I may not make it. I have a similar story, If youre interested please dont hesitate to email me [email protected], Stephanie April 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply. I want you to know that you sound like an incredible mother and that your children are very lucky to have you in their lives. Ok January 10 I got the call that forever changed me. I thing about her was up until about a month into her pregnancy she was always the happy, understanding, loving person. He was successful and had an amazing family. He was my best friend from the start. I didnt get to see her on Mothers Day and I will regret that and other things probably forever. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. My biggest thing is we all knew she was struggling with the pregnancy and did what we thought was everything in our power to help her. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heavens lakes drinking claws. Please read about quantum immortality. I just found this site and decided to share. With an unflinching . Brenda Roethler May 17, 2016 at 10:18 pm Reply. Some of them still in packages. All I can do is cry. All of my thoughts are jumbled right now, its so hard to comprehend this. This may sound weird, especially to me, but I am so glad I posted. He shot himself just after the text. Its painful enough without having to worry how to phrase something when you talk about your loved one. Be kind to everyone, even if they seem happy, because you never know what a person is going thru behind closed doors. My brother. He would have turned 40 in June. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. He wanted to either become a computer engineer or a fashion designer,. Why did you make my brother kill myself? All the best to you. Its not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. I know this now, but it doesnt make it better. He felt he had no choice. Think about him everyday. But I cant help but blame myself for being part of the reason he made that decision. I have 2 older sisters and our mom that also struggle with his death. He was like a father to myself and 2 younger siblings. At the time I wasnt sure what the noise was but the next afternoon we had the police break her door down because we hadnt seen her all day and they found her dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound. So much more I cannot fit here now. I dont think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. Cant describe my feelings, its just too much. On Monday at about 5:30 with my mom, brothers, his brother and myself all by his side the nurses took out the tube. My own mental health and the safety of my children was also a priority. Also, the right support group could provide an environment of people who (in some ways, but not all) understand where youve been. This behavior sounds very odd for someone who doesn't also have issues. The pain has been so bad that at times it takes my breath away. No emotion is wrong if thats what youre feeling. All of these unanswered questions. He felt like he had fucked up too many times and that his life wasnt going to amount to anything but he was so wrong. I feel guilty of being alive. I pray for anyone and everyone that has been affected by suicide there are so many unanswered questions. I cannot answer your question. Heavy sedation and paralyss medication. The only thing that holds me back is my husband. Nevertheless, I still feel dead. He was so passionate. Im so sorry for your many losses. As a side effect, I view other tragedies through the filter of trauma. "I'll . It's OK to feel happy again (when you are ready) In fact, I believe that is what most honors the memory (for me anyway) of who he was and continues to be for me, Accepting that it's true may take some time, but it is unspeakably important for healing, We all will face the same fate and the way we live on is through the connections we make and nurture with one another so every day, I wake with that awarenessboth as a remembrance of my absolutely best friend and as an offering for everyone that I now have the blessing to know. May you all find the light. You will find a way through this, but give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. I told all of my close friends what I was doing and they supported me. It was something none of us expected and were in complete and utter shock. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I learned from all this, to never take any moment or person for granted. I recognize so much of your experience. My heart hurts missing my baby brother. I thought about her frequently and in 1995 one of my friends told me that she confided in him: she regretted staying with her boyfriend and wanted to be with me; but I no longer lived in her area and thought it best not to reach out to her. My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. Never been able to have a successful relationship. How am I supposed to get over it ? My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. He had just come out of surgery to relieve pressure in his brain. As I move forward, I keep this in mind. I felt I couldnt deal with his anger, so we didnt see each other for a year. My son ended his life two days after Christmas this last year. I keep trying to read on how to work through my grief, how to figure out the way to live without him, and i keep reading about the stages of grief. We had been drinking and he pulled over for drunk driving. I never fully understood that until we realized both knew it was far more. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. This is really hard. At any age, when a child says, "I want to kill myself," the child generally feels she cannot control the situation or the grown-ups, so . We tried to get him help but he was already in a dark place. But your daughter is not in that category. I know I will see him again but until then I have work to do here. Abandonment, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, bullying, hunger, shame, humiliation. Im looking for help too. I am committed to making sure the world knows his name and that I go on to finish the dream he started. Grieve your way at your pace! The way he deserves it to be done. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. She used to say that we were born as warriors and warriors dont complain about being warriors and their purpose is to keep fighting. I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. He saved me. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. He was 10 years older than me, he taught me so much, gave me so much, lived with me my whole life, brought me coffee in the morning. Funny thing is that. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night. I dont think all the time in the world will heal how i feel. On January 2nd my twin flame made the choice to take her life. My Brother decided to end his life 8 years ago. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will. This is a good article and I can relate to most of it. Right before he took his life we talked and said this world wasnt for us and its like we were just playing a game and seeing who would kill themself first. My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. All the cops can say is that its suspicious circumstances. Moment by moment. I was around your age when I had a friend kill herself. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts. Ill love you forever and will see you soon enough my love. But he knew it was something that made him a different person. I got busy with my own family and hustles, only to receive a call that he had taken some pestscide poison. I begged his family to help, but they didnt want to acknowledge his mental illness and addiction because that would damage their reputation. It is something that has to change. I listen, let her cry & hold her. Thanks for letting me vent! My ex-husband took his life late last year as well leaving behind his beautiful children. I dont think anyone can understand the loneliness. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what Im up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my childrens childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. Im so sorry for your loss. I was unable to go to the viewing, as by the time I found out about it, I had already made plans to visit family out of state and could not change them. After not answering our texts and calls for four days, my parents went to his apartment to talk to him, but he still would not answer so they called the police. Fast forward to 2018 and I was officially diagnosed bipolar. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. I have not talked to him in a month prior to his suicide. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any for any advice I can get. There is a heavy silence over me whenever Im home, just doing what I need to do like eat or clean up, but the whole time, Im just quiet. He just found out that she also had been abusing aderall & was in debt. But what I will say is that the God of the Christian Bible is a God of mercy and compassion, who cared for the sick and the suffering. Appreciate the link and will check out that sub. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. Edit: Mentally and emotionally exhausted but reading through these comments and truly taking them to heart. The man who murdered my brother post-9/11 just died. Considering the stuff you mentioned about him. I just looked on Google, and they have no record of anyone jumping or thought to have jumped from there for quite a few months. May 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm Reply. My wife bore my sons and daughters. I love him and I think about him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed as well. A recording of the 911 call, lasting more than two minutes, was . I go back and forth with the areas of grief. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. Im in shock, just like the rest of my family. I walked straight into my sons room to see if he was awake and he looked like he was asleep, I went over to him because he wasnt covered up like he normally does. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength. His note said life hurt too much. I go to therapy and its really helped me to process. Thank u Houston, jasmine September 20, 2017 at 6:22 pm Reply. What the fuck did I do! I was planning to visit him when I got the news from my aunt that he had hanged himself in june 2018.He was 43. I dont know how to get out of this sad rut Im in. I wish I could have read it all, maybe I will go back and read it when I am stronger. Getting this child to talk about her anger was crucial. I am confused as to what this life is supposed to be without him. As each one connected with me, we found relief and a little bit of healing. We all cant imagine life without her. She told me that he had cut too deep into his wrist that night. I miss her so and it is hard knowing she is gone forever. Alison December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didnt know how to handle? Ive been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. I looked out the window and saw him walking outside with a backpack on. Nothing can make the pain go away. Jean Manifold March 15, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply. My mom killed herself with a pistol in front of my dad with all of us in the house on june 8, 2020. it was so unexpected and traumatic i dont even think i have processed it yet. Are you sure concerning the supply? Ive been through a similar experience, my best friend abruptly took his own life just a few days ago. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. Completely didnt expect it she was always so against it my whole life. July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am Reply. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old??